Thursday, September 30, 2010

How women invest in men - an analogy

Thanks to PetePatriarch for pointing this out.

Here's a new bit of terminology that I thought up. Investors can "long" (bet on) and "short" (bet against) a stock. Women "long" and "short" men. Women are currency, men are stocks, babies are bonds, divorce is selling a stock, marriage is buying a stock and dividends refer to money spent on the woman.

They "short" men by having sex quickly, partying with them, bleeding them for money early in the relationship and showing their terrible attitude. Great fun for them in the short term.

The guys that are "shorted" are the type that don't appreciate with time. They lower their value with a criminal record, drinking, drug abuse, gambling, violence, abuse and cheating. Emotionally dysfunctional women "long" these men and end up in a terrible relationship. Why do they stay? Because they bought a stock at 50 and it dropped to 40. They are hoping the stock will go back up. Irrational women are just like irrational investors, they throw good money after bad.

Smart women realize that "nice guys" (as in investment) are like a profitable company. At 30, their value is low, while the man's value is high and rising. What does an investor do? They go long on the investment. They demand chivalry, act like a "good girl", act perfect to bait the man and then get the payoff (expensive ring, wedding, house, retirement plan, baby...).

Of course when a stock has stagnant earnings and doesn't appreciate in value (probably because of the insanely high dividend payments the investor requires such as a woman's request to shop, not work and live above her means) a smart investor dumps that stock and cashes out (divorce). It doesn't matter that the high dividend payments kept the company from re-investing the money to earn more. Plus the investor still gets dividends even though they aren't even invested in the company anymore (alimony). Imagine if a stockholder demanded more than they invested when selling the stock and then demanded dividends after selling?

It also explains single moms. A child is like a convertible bond (a bond that can become stock). The set payments are just like owning a bond. If she can use the child to guilt the man into marriage, she just converted her investment to a stock due to the fact that she is now a 50% equity holder in the man's wealth. Also, just like a bond, when (child support) payments are not made (probably because it was an unreliable man/company that she should have "shorted"), as a creditor the woman looks to recover. Just like a distressed company, the creditor takes value (wage garnishment). The company is also forced to sell assets at a lower price due to distress, thus reducing the company's value. This happens when the child support systems brands people as "deadbeat dads", revokes professional licenses, suspends driver licenses, destroys credit ratings and throws the man in jail. Still, when a company goes under, the bond holders may not receive full payment (some guys just don't have the money for these outrageous child support payments). The company is weighed by the debt just like the man's ability to earn is hurt if he gets behind on child support payments. Unlike regular bonds, if the guy finds out that the wrong company name is on the bond (paternity fraud), it doesn't matter.

So dating is an investment game to women. If she spends too much time "shorting" men, then she won't have the funds (looks & youth) at 35 to purchase a good long term stock. Their chance to go "long" on a man has passed. If they go "long" early with a man, they have to wait for the young man to earn and produce dividends. Unlike with stocks, patience and waiting for an investment to grow is not advisable. Buying into an established man/company is the way to go.

So their ideal strategy is to "short" men until they find the best possible one to go "long" on. Luckily, they can borrow against that stock and "short" other men (by cheating). If they lose money by "shorting" men (getting caught), then a sale (divorce) will follow and the woman still gets her dividends.
Once the investor has gone "long" and then sold, their options open up. They can "short" different men, live off the proceeds from the sale and the dividends. They can also "long" another man by getting married again.

Since going "long" is the smart long-term strategy (just like with stocks), women press for marriage. Their "long" investment is likely to appreciate and pay dividends. Women are like paper currency, they have a steady depreciation due to inflation. So over time, as the price to "long" the stock goes up, her currency depreciates. Thus, each time she "shorts" a man, she is spending some currency (wear & tear, number of men who have scored) and her currency is always depreciating, even if she does nothing.

Like most investors, women understand the nuisances about how the market works. The are like the investors looking for the next Southwest or Starbucks. They try to time the market and when they do it wrong, they end up as spinsters. Also, like a smart investor, they fear foreign capital. If foreign woman are allowed on the market, demand for stock will rise sharply. Foreign currency (just like in real life), has higher value and the American currency will have little purchasing power. So the AW is left with "penny stocks" (undesirable guys), "junk bonds" (a thug's bastard children) and men that should be "shorted" because that is all she can afford. She will demonize foreign investors and companies who accept foreign currency in an attempt to monopolize the market.

For men, the advice is simple. Don't seek outside sources of funding/validation. Build equity, "short" all the women around you (short the US currency) and don't issue any bonds.

I hope this analogy wasn't too complicated. I like thinking of marriage as a woman "going long" on a man. I'd like to see what everyone else thinks.


Jackart said...

Of course the other view is that the man tries before he buys. If he breaks it (a baby pops out), then he has to pay anyway.

Spotsworth said...

I've seen this in action, though slightly different. Both men and women are trying to go long with a wealthy/successful partner.

Men who habitually short all women never have a windfall. Women who habitually short men in search of a long-term guy generally can find someone with income or assets, unless she's not very smart about dating.

I've seen train wrecks lock in very wealthy guys by simple persistence. On the other hand, I've seen very ordinary guys catch wealthy women, trust fund girls, etc.

There is a lot more to it than economics. Women can be easily controlled with the proper management of their emotions.

Anonymous said...

Just Brilliant!! Many Thanks!!

The traditional description of the feminine so readily mounted on female youth of sugar and spice is nothing more than an economic description of her sexuality as a commodity to be bartered somewhat south of human dignity if required. I am reminded of a seductive statement offered in the months of infatuation by a woman I believed to be virtuous and equal. I loved her for qualities I imagined. Her words: “I find you very attractive and you make me feel like a juicy peach.” Is it much more likely that these are the words of a transient encounter highlighted by defining herself as a commodity. Without a declaration of purpose the question simply transforms into fog. But more accurately it transforms into what I or she may imagine the economics of intimacy to be. (Apparently we were both playing short in a shell shocked economy:)